Alone

I woke up this morning to a shocking realization. Although, it shouldn't have come as a shock to me, since it should have been painfully obvious. What was this shocking revelation? I woke up this morning realizing that I am alone; truly alone. Now, don't confuse this with being "lonely". For one can be lonely in a room full of people. I am saying that I am alone…isolated.

I once had lots of friends surrounding me; people that I worked with and went out with fairly regularly. In college I had classmates and other friends that I hung out with outside of the classroom. In the Navy I had my buddies that I hung out while we are off duty. But now there is no one. I guess I should ad a caveat to this statement in that I do have the company of my 16 year old son on a daily basis. So, in that aspect I am not LITERALLY alone. However, one might argue that it's a bit unusual and perhaps odd that my only companion is my 16 year old son. In the words of Clay himself, "when you think about it, that's a little bit pathetic." And, I guess it is pathetic. Now, I have family. They are all 3 hours away, at least. I get to see them once every several months. I have a girlfriend. But she isn't much closer at 2 hours away. I see her just slightly more often than I see my family.

How did I get to this place in my life where I have isolated myself from any close friends or companions? I guess that is the question that I am asking myself. As I look back I wonder what happened to all the friends that I have had over the years. Well, I didn't stay in touch with too many people from high school after I left for the Navy 13 days after graduation. They all moved on with their lives. And my Navy buddies stayed behind when I left the Navy and came home. I've stayed in touch with one though. He was my best friend back in those days. Now, we email occasionally and sometimes even talk on the phone. All my college friends graduated, moved, moved on, found significant others, gotten married, or any combination of thereof. A few of the really important friends from back then email every now and again, but I can honestly say that I haven't seen a single one of them in a few years. I still think of them as my closest friends, but the reality is that they are close friends from a previous time in my life. The same is similar for work friends that I have made since leaving college. For most of them, once you leave the job the "friendship" ends. If it does continue, rarely does it involve anything more than emails, myspace, or the occasional text message or phone call.

I guess I'm not good at making new friends. Oh, I have the skills and personality to make new friends. I think I choose to not make new friends. Maybe it's because I fear that they will just end up like my other friends…just names in an email address book.

I wonder if there is some deeper psychology behind this. Maybe stemming from an early childhood of military life where friends came and went as fathers and mothers were transferred to other bases. Back then you were lucky to have the same friends from school year to school year. But, I would think that those experiences would have made me better equipped to make new friends easily.

Maybe it's been the lack of financial stability and disposable income that has helped to isolate me. I mean, you can't have friends if you never go out with anyone when they invite you.

I guess it doesn't matter why. The fact still remains that I'm alone. Maybe when I start to earn some big money with my business I'll be able to afford to travel and reconnect with old friends. Maybe I'll be able to afford to go out and do things, meet new people and forge new friendships. I guess that's just one more reason why I need to make this business successful; because I don't want to be alone forever.